I am seriously thinking of selling myself again
By Bluebellxx Story ID: 32
It’s not right. I know it’s not right. It goes against so many things ingrained in me. It creates a mess of activity of unpleasant thoughts in my head. It makes me feel so dirty and shameful, and I always regret it immediately. It always makes me angry at myself afterwards. I've done it a few times now. I used the money for the most time to pay for rent. It was the easiest money I have ever made. £200 for just a half hour of my time. For something I actually enjoy doing? I mean, it did actually feel alright for the most part. And its just soo damn easy.
I just really hate the process of making it happen. Putting up an ad and answering calls. I hate it. I get so nervous. Dealing with fucking dirty men and selecting one who I think is alright. And I don’t know who might show up at my door. I am always nervous as hell waiting to see who he is and what he looks like. It makes me cringe just to think about it.
But I am so tempted to doing it again. I don’t have a job and I can’t get one. I have applied to nine jobs the last two weeks, but no luck. Had one interview at a cafe, but I didn’t hear back. I have bills to pay, and I am late on both rent and my mobile bill. And I have no savings. My family is poorer than me and is of no help. We don’t speak anyways. My family is a complete mess. So am I, I guess.
It’s so fucking depressing, I feel I have nothing going for me. I wish I was really good at something. Just one skill or maybe sport.
I don’t want to do it, but I feel the resistance is less now. The first few times it was a raging battle inside of me to make it happen. Now it feels like less of a pain. So I guess it will happen again. It’s between this and not have a place to live.
I can’t tell my friends about it, so I wanted to share it with someone